Reasons Why I Am Single

I Don’t Want To Be Single

Those who know me know that I am single…

And I don’t want to be.

When I say that I don’t want to be single, most people assume that I am unhappy in my current situation and that I think I need a man. Let’s clear this up… I’m not running around asking guys to date me, nor am I so desperate to find a match that I would just settle for anything. I am happy with my current situation. I am happy with myself. But, I also want to share my happiness with somebody else. I want a partner and a role model for my children. And I want somebody who will be there long after the children move out. God didn’t create people to be alone.

When I talk about not wanting to be single, I’m not looking for somebody to tell me that I am pretty* or a great woman and that I will find somebody one day. I don’t want to be told that I should focus on my children. And I don’t want to be made to feel bad for wanting a relationship.

(*Sidenote: I really hate when people say this because I feel like that puts my worth on my beauty and goes against everything I believe in.)

Online Dating – Been There. Done That.

So, I recently joined eHarmony… It only lasted about 2 months. (Sidenote: I DO NOT recommend them at all!) I was very specific with what I wanted based on the questions they asked. They told me to lower my standards in order to get some matches.

So I did.

And the matches just weren’t working. For one, people rarely responded to messages. There is no way to see when somebody was last active. And I was getting matched with everything I did NOT want.

I know that my circumstances aren’t for everyone. I know that I am what some people do not want. I have kids… I have kids with special needs. I have never been married. And my children don’t share the same father. All that aside, I’ve been thinking about reasons why I am really single. The reasons that sometimes hurt to think about.

Reasons Why I Am Really Single

Reasons Why I am Single by Aduke Schulist

This is what I have come up with… These are the real reasons I am single.. and what I am working on changing (or not).

I’m not outspoken. I don’t speak up for myself and I don’t have a demanding personality. I am very shy which sometimes comes across as being rude or uninterested.

I lack self-esteem (to a certain extent) and fear approaching guys who I think are too good for me. In fact, I don’t approach any guys. I believe in traditional rules saying the guy should ask the girl.

I am too independent. I haven’t ever had somebody to help me do things and it is hard to relinquish some of those roles.

I’m comfortable being single and refuse to settle. I’m not picky, but I know my limits and what I won’t tolerate (abuse, cheating, etc)

I don’t meet new people. The majority of the things I do involve the same small crowds and I have been content with that.

I’ve changed as a person over the years (haven’t we all?!) and I’ve grown into myself and what I believe. I am very passionate in some of these beliefs. I am myself and I’m unapologetic for it.

I want a real relationship, not just some hookup or somebody to do fun things with but have no commitment.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Knowing all of those things, I have some goals to work towards like getting out to meet new people and opening myself up to rejection.

While I have blogged some about being single (mostly focusing on single parenting), I haven’t ever really opened up and shared the genuine struggle that is being a single parent in search of marriage. As I walk this journey I invite you all to read along and share your thoughts or tips.

 

 

Single and Seeking

Single and Seeking

I have noticed that when somebody – male or female – is single and seeking, they suddenly become all these great and marvelous things to other people. It seems like they can’t be single and seeking without others needing to comment on what a great person they are and how they deserve the best.

I am in that single and seeking crowd and everytime I mention it on social media I am told how great a person I am and all this other feel good stuff. When did desiring a relationship equate to a lack of self-esteem? Can’t we just seek for a mate without all the praise? And who says that because you desire a relationship that you are unhappy with what you currently have?

For the record, I am happy with myself. I am happy in the situation that I am in, but that doesn’t mean I can’t desire more happiness. Despite what some may believe, desiring a relationship doesn’t make one desperate. If that were the case, I would have married the first thing to cross my path. Additionally, I dislike all the “You don’t need a man” and “Focus on your kids” talk I have heard. Of course I focus on my children. They wouldn’t be where they are if I didn’t. And of course I don’t need a man. But I want one.

Single and Seeking

 

I want one for myself; not for my children. I can raise my children all by myself, thank you very much. But raising my children doesn’t give me all that I want. I want to be more than “just a mom”. I can’t get that intimate cuddling, and adult conversation that I desire from my children. They don’t need to be involved in adult things. And you know, sleeping alone kinda sucks.

Most importantly, I want to be sealed to my family. I want the blessings that come from that. But, I don’t want to hear “You will find the right one when the time is right”. Of course I may. But I also may not. Either way, life goes on.

In the meantime, I remain:

Single and Seeking,
Aduke