What I Learned From Being Single

What I Learned From Being Single

I’ve done a few other posts about being single. I know some of y’all are tired of hearing about it and feel like I’m beating a dead horse, but bear with me.. Being single has taught me a lot of things.

Here are just a few of them:

What I Learned From Being Single by Aduke Schulist

How To Manage Time

I’m not always the best at it, but I think I’m pretty good at getting things done. Being single has taught me to prioritize things and multi-task where needed. These things help me manage my time.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to take time for myself and to leave my house messy sometimes in order to do that because I know just how much I am actually capable of.

Aduke Schulist - Portrait at Riverside Park
Kaia recently helped me snap a few pictures of myself.
How To Use Tools

My mom taught me from an early age how to put stuff together. She had a tool box stocked with some tools. Mine is seriously lacking even some basic items. Throughout the years, my tool box has expanded and I’ve learned how to use tools I can’t even name properly. Just recently my mom helped me remove the drain pump from my washer and I replaced it all by myself today.

How To Be Alone & Entertain Myself

Are we ever really alone if we have Netflix?

Who is watching Netflix - Family Profiles - Aduke

I’m only kind of kidding.

One thing I miss is also something I cherish about being single.. I like the alone time and being able to watch or do whatever I want. On the other hand, being alone sucks and sometimes I find myself wishing I had somebody to share in the entertainment with.

The memories I am making now are memories my future husband will only get to hear about in the future.

The Qualities I Really Want In A Man

Having had many failed relationships in the past, I can confidently say the qualities I really want in a man (and those that would just be extras). I don’t think it’s being picky at all to know the qualities we are looking for in a man.

Every failed relationship has taught me something valuable for a future relationship.

Patience

Waiting. So much waiting. John Waller’s song While I’m Waiting has brought me peace at many times and reminded me to be patient.

Some Desires Don’t Die Down

I’ve always wanted a large family… but being single for so long just does something to keep that desire stirring. There is nobody to tell me that my family is complete, and the desire to expand my family hasn’t gone away.

Unfortunately, I won’t be doing that biologically now thanks to the news I received in this blog, but adopting is still in the works.

Faith

Faith is to hope of things that are unseen… and I have faith that the Lord has not forgotten me.  No matter how hard some days, or nights, may be, I have faith that my Heavenly Father knows exactly what He is doing with my life.

What are some lessons that being single, or being married taught you?

 

Reasons Why I Am Single

I Don’t Want To Be Single

Those who know me know that I am single…

And I don’t want to be.

When I say that I don’t want to be single, most people assume that I am unhappy in my current situation and that I think I need a man. Let’s clear this up… I’m not running around asking guys to date me, nor am I so desperate to find a match that I would just settle for anything. I am happy with my current situation. I am happy with myself. But, I also want to share my happiness with somebody else. I want a partner and a role model for my children. And I want somebody who will be there long after the children move out. God didn’t create people to be alone.

When I talk about not wanting to be single, I’m not looking for somebody to tell me that I am pretty* or a great woman and that I will find somebody one day. I don’t want to be told that I should focus on my children. And I don’t want to be made to feel bad for wanting a relationship.

(*Sidenote: I really hate when people say this because I feel like that puts my worth on my beauty and goes against everything I believe in.)

Online Dating – Been There. Done That.

So, I recently joined eHarmony… It only lasted about 2 months. (Sidenote: I DO NOT recommend them at all!) I was very specific with what I wanted based on the questions they asked. They told me to lower my standards in order to get some matches.

So I did.

And the matches just weren’t working. For one, people rarely responded to messages. There is no way to see when somebody was last active. And I was getting matched with everything I did NOT want.

I know that my circumstances aren’t for everyone. I know that I am what some people do not want. I have kids… I have kids with special needs. I have never been married. And my children don’t share the same father. All that aside, I’ve been thinking about reasons why I am really single. The reasons that sometimes hurt to think about.

Reasons Why I Am Really Single

Reasons Why I am Single by Aduke Schulist

This is what I have come up with… These are the real reasons I am single.. and what I am working on changing (or not).

I’m not outspoken. I don’t speak up for myself and I don’t have a demanding personality. I am very shy which sometimes comes across as being rude or uninterested.

I lack self-esteem (to a certain extent) and fear approaching guys who I think are too good for me. In fact, I don’t approach any guys. I believe in traditional rules saying the guy should ask the girl.

I am too independent. I haven’t ever had somebody to help me do things and it is hard to relinquish some of those roles.

I’m comfortable being single and refuse to settle. I’m not picky, but I know my limits and what I won’t tolerate (abuse, cheating, etc)

I don’t meet new people. The majority of the things I do involve the same small crowds and I have been content with that.

I’ve changed as a person over the years (haven’t we all?!) and I’ve grown into myself and what I believe. I am very passionate in some of these beliefs. I am myself and I’m unapologetic for it.

I want a real relationship, not just some hookup or somebody to do fun things with but have no commitment.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Knowing all of those things, I have some goals to work towards like getting out to meet new people and opening myself up to rejection.

While I have blogged some about being single (mostly focusing on single parenting), I haven’t ever really opened up and shared the genuine struggle that is being a single parent in search of marriage. As I walk this journey I invite you all to read along and share your thoughts or tips.

 

 

Single and Seeking

Single and Seeking

I have noticed that when somebody – male or female – is single and seeking, they suddenly become all these great and marvelous things to other people. It seems like they can’t be single and seeking without others needing to comment on what a great person they are and how they deserve the best.

I am in that single and seeking crowd and everytime I mention it on social media I am told how great a person I am and all this other feel good stuff. When did desiring a relationship equate to a lack of self-esteem? Can’t we just seek for a mate without all the praise? And who says that because you desire a relationship that you are unhappy with what you currently have?

For the record, I am happy with myself. I am happy in the situation that I am in, but that doesn’t mean I can’t desire more happiness. Despite what some may believe, desiring a relationship doesn’t make one desperate. If that were the case, I would have married the first thing to cross my path. Additionally, I dislike all the “You don’t need a man” and “Focus on your kids” talk I have heard. Of course I focus on my children. They wouldn’t be where they are if I didn’t. And of course I don’t need a man. But I want one.

Single and Seeking

 

I want one for myself; not for my children. I can raise my children all by myself, thank you very much. But raising my children doesn’t give me all that I want. I want to be more than “just a mom”. I can’t get that intimate cuddling, and adult conversation that I desire from my children. They don’t need to be involved in adult things. And you know, sleeping alone kinda sucks.

[tweetthis url=”http://wp.me/p7V4Dv-11″]I want to be more than “just a mom”. [/tweetthis]

Most importantly, I want to be sealed to my family. I want the blessings that come from that. But, I don’t want to hear “You will find the right one when the time is right”. Of course I may. But I also may not. Either way, life goes on.

In the meantime, I remain:

Single and Seeking,
Aduke